Please don't say it

I’m rarely surprised these days by other people’s corporate horror stories.  You know the kind of thing, it begins “I shouldn’t be sharing this…” and inside you’re screaming “oh God please don’t then”.

Leaders mostly mean well but they can really eff things up, can’t they?  The worst to me was “I shouldn’t say this, but I’m the kind of person who when I need something, I’m your best friend – and when I have it you don’t see me for dust”.

Years later I can only assume she thought such radical candour would appeal to me and help build our relationship.  Why else would someone say that?  Wouldn’t it be like admitting you were a kleptomaniac so don’t leave any valuables lying around?

I’ve heard much worse during my coaching conversations.  My hand is often found covering my mouth in shock that an otherwise educated, professional person in a position of power can behave so poorly.  Here’s my Top 5:

1.        “I really respect you but other people don’t see what I see.”

2.        “If you want to get on, you’re going to have to pretend to like her.”

3.        “I say this as your friend, I think it’s time to dust off the CV.”

4.        “Maybe you haven’t got the required energy for this job anymore?”

5.        “You’re too helpful/fast/smiley/serious/challenging*.” (delete as appropriate).

Corporates aren’t bad, but they don’t half hire some idiots.  Or rather, they don’t half under-invest in those idiots.

Because I think those idiots often forget that they’re talking to another adult, not a child.  And not even an adult fresh into their career, who may be more tolerant of bad leaders (or maybe that was just me).  They’re speaking to fully functioning adults, with lives outside work, with kids looking up to them for guidance and support, with experience, knowledge and brains.

It breaks my heart a little when I see terrific people putting up with this BS because it’s all they know – and they have no other options.  This is it.

It breaks my heart because I remember what it was like.  And what I put up with.

Being in trusted inner circles that were largely opportunities for the most senior person to bad mouth people behind other people’s backs (and of course do that to me when I’d left the room).

I think I knew that if I fought against it, I’d be sidelined.  Like if you stood up to the popular kids at school.

It’s like school in so many ways.

I don’t think I accepted it for a long time, but I was responsible for being in that situation.  I was drawn to it, at times I enjoyed it, but mostly I saw it as my only option.

That’s the single biggest lesson I’ve learnt since leaving my old corporate career: never leave yourself with one option again.  Not only is it high risk to put all your eggs in one basket, but being dependent changes you – it can make you accept things that conflict with your values, compromise your integrity and grant disproportionate power to people who don’t deserve it.

I’m fifty today. “You don’t look it”, (said no-one).

It forces a bit of reflection, but not against the younger me.  Rather the me at 45, spinning wheels, plateauing, accepting average and looking up to so many idiots.

And while it’s not all plain sailing working for yourself, I feel like I deserve this life.

And so do you.

As I said on a LinkedIn post this week, I have spoken to more than a dozen people facing redundancy over the past fortnight - it must be Christmas.  It’s brutal and, moreover, it’s hard to know why and what needs to change for things to get better.

But even that is a dependent-mindset: “I’ll be alright once the economy picks up”.

My advice to everyone I’ve spoken with has been the same: Create Options. Even if you stay, you’ll be choosing to stay, which is much better for self-worth (and you’ll be better prepared for next time) – and if you leave you’ll have started carving out alternative pathways (ideally on the company’s time) before you really need them.

Good luck out there – and if you need a chat I am here for you.