Observer

I’ve noticed lately I feel a bit more detached.  Less reactive, less panicky, less quick to decide what I think, and even to say what I think.  True, far fewer people or things demand immediate, urgent responses than they once did.  So maybe it’s that.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve escaped that world where a single email could swallow up my day.  I was the guy who you could email overnight from Houston and you’d have the answer back when you woke up at 5am.  In the background, I’d be firing off emails begging for help, pleading at desks, calling in favours – basically bothering people.  And looking back now it’s kind of funny because I doubt a single ‘urgent’ request achieved anything.

It’s different now.

It’s just a fact.  I’ve withdrawn from a life where I felt needed, to one where I’m almost invisible.  If I don’t make Familiarize a success, nothing will happen to anyone else – apart from my family, my new hire Yunus and a few friends counting on some work I’m giving them.  I’d like to hope a few of my clients might be disappointed.

And honestly, I am fine with this.

I am even enjoying it, because it goes hand in hand with choice – and autonomy. Two things I lacked when I worked at bp.

I’m not saying I’ll never be urgently required; that I’ll never have an hour to get myself ready for a client or an interview, or rush a proposal or application for funding.

Nor am I saying I’m not busy. Or doing valuable work.  I believe I am.

But now I can decide how much I want to give to each task; and how ‘urgent’ I want to make it.

All in all, I’m becoming a more conscious, and yet detached observer of myself and my time.

When things aren’t going well, like I don’t hear back after I send a proposal, I’ve started to find myself thinking “I haven’t heard back from X, I wonder why”.  Rather than rushing to follow up or going into a decline about how Familiarize is a terrible idea and no-one’s interested.

The catastrophising has decreased.  It’s not stopped. It never will; I expect it’s kind of ingrained now.  But it’s definitely – and noticeably – less frequent.

Of course the realist in me knows that this feeling may not last.  Assuming, I mean when, Familiarize takes off, I may go back into fire-fighting mode – and maybe that’s fine, so I should enjoy this now.  But maybe there has been a longer-lasting shift.

Either way, I should practise this way of working – to try to embed it – so it becomes more natural.  The more space it helps me create to choose how to react, the better decisions I’m sure I will take, the more productive I’ll be, perhaps even the happier I’ll be.

This has sort of crept up on me to be honest over the past month or so, and I’m not sure I understand why, but that won’t stop me smugly pontificating how you might try it:

1. When I was ready to birth Familiarize, Miffa my coach said I need to get into peak fitness.  I now run and walk almost every day, have cut down eating rubbish and mid-week drinking.  And I feel better for it.

2. I’ve banged on enough about Trello, but it helps filter out noise and stuff I really don’t need to do.

3. There’s a lot of Instagram advice about saying “No”, but it’s hard if you’re just starting out – and if you rely on saying “Yes” to survive.  But I do think buying time to choose how to respond is one of the best things I’m learning to do.  Sometimes it’s just consciously slowing down the Chimp in my head from racing to an unhelpful conclusion or need to please.

4. At bp, I was so keen to please that my efforts were often out of whack with people’s expectations.  I loved the attaboy. After a bad review (Exceeds Expectations not Exceptional from a line manager I’d met three times that year) my friend John asked me how I’d rate myself and said that should be enough.  This was a lesson I have clung on to – rate yourself, don’t rely on other people’s attaboys.

5. Like all new practices, we need to acknowledge and even reward ourselves when we behave well.  Notice when you create some distance or observe rather than react or panic – and give yourself an attaboy for that.

For those of you who’ve known me a while – and even those who’ve got to know me through this blog - you may not recognise this new zen-like character.  I’m not sure I do either.  But I’m beginning to like him and trust that he may stick around. He feels more in control and mature and he’s getting a lot more done because of it.

Goodness knows, I’ve read enough books on knowing yourself, getting comfortable with yourself, getting the best out of yourself etc.  Maybe I just needed to toss the books aside and do something different with my life and all would come clear.  Maybe this is who I’m supposed to be.

[Then there’s the old Forbes who hopes this smug blog doesn’t come back to haunt me!]