Do you trust yourself?
One of the things I do with ‘Carry on Escapology'‘, my fortnightly group coaching, is pose a weekly thought-provoker in our WhatsApp group that we can discuss before our live calls.
This week it was whether - liberated from the straightjacket of corporate - we trust ourselves to make good decisions.
It came off the back of listening to the snooker player Ronnie O’Sullivan on Desert Island Discs. He talked about how he lost trust in himself owing to a distorted view of reality caused by decades of addiction.
I’m not saying we’re addicted to corporate, but we can get deeply conditioned by it. And that conditioning can distort our view of reality. I never forget standing in a lunch queue at BP for soup hearing one chap complain to another that the more expensive soup (94 pence) “didn’t even have meat in it”.
That distorted version of reality can impact how we feel about ourselves, our organisation and the world outside. And it can make us feel trapped.
But just because we escape doesn’t necessarily make everything right. It doesn’t un-distort the distortion.
And how do I know? Because four years later I’m not sure I’ve fully broken with some of that conditioning – I’m still lured by the status, the identity, the relative stability, the insulation (comfy slippers) and a whole load more things too.
I just about trust myself that the life I’m leading is right for me now. But I’m not sure I trust myself to look too far ahead. Do I see myself going back? If I step away for much longer will I permanently cut off options to return? Do I see myself doing what I’m doing in my sixties?
I find myself putting these ideas to one side (i.e. burying them).
I often used to worry that I didn’t have my life all planned out. Other people seemed to. I felt flaky and not very comfortable pretending I was happy-go-lucky, because I’m not. The absence of a plan was a source of anxiety.
Maybe that was because I recognised I had put all my eggs in one BP basket.
I feel less of that anxiety today.
But maybe it’s because I’m not looking too far ahead.
Because I’m still not sure I trust myself to make long term decisions. I avoid them.
When my wife asks “Where are all these ideas you’ve got going?”, I suspect she’s really asking “When are you going to just settle down (with one job)?”
In many ways I have the perfect life right now – enough money, free time and stimulation. I am juggling lots of balls so I get the dopamine hit from variety (and the cortisone surge from fear I might drop one).
But do I trust myself if I decide to change? If I decided to go all in on one of those ideas. Or even go back?
Maybe trusting myself for right now is enough. Enjoy the present and the next six months. It feels oddly short-term for someone my age with still quite a lot of work life ahead (and many hungry mouths to feed).
What about you?
One man who seems to trust himself with big decisions is John Jones - he’s the guest on my 20th Corporate Escapology podcast. It’s out today - give it a listen or a watch. It’s got a different slant than the others because John’s stayed employed, not a portfolio in sight, but in many ways he feels much freer than any corporate person I know - because he’s moved around. He doesn’t feel dependent - and if the guillotine falls he’s confident enough to know that he’ll be fine. We all will be - in time.
Take a listen here on Spotify:
Or watch it on YouTube: