Desperately seeking serendipity

Becoming more open

I’m not a massive extrovert, at least not without a few drinks inside me.  But I am really interested in people.  I’m curious about their lives and why they’re doing what they’re doing.  As I wrote a few weeks ago, I’m fascinated by confidence - or rather the lack of it – and how it can be rebuilt so we can become our best selves.

My thesis is that if we stay in our corporate jobs, with defined boundaries and shrinking space, our self-confidence declines over time.  Because we’re doing the same things, surrounded by the same people (doing the same things).  We get comfortable, face fewer challenges and experience less diversity.

Which is almost always a bad thing.

Like many corporates, bp was big on diversity.  It had to be because it was so un-diverse. It had to jolt us out of our stupor with workshops, training and internal campaigns.  It may have changed now, but when I was there it focused on all the obvious things, because the stats were pretty awful – gender, ethnicity, sexuality etc.  But it missed diversity of thought – maybe because it wasn’t as easy to get that into a LinkedIn post (ouch).

Many of the “diverse” people couldn’t always claim much diversity of thought.  With parents in the oil industry, they’d grown up in Houston, Aberdeen or the Middle East immersed in oil culture, or they’d studied the obvious subjects in the obvious places.

As a history graduate, with no connection to oil, I carried a fair amount of imposter syndrome around with me. But although I recognised there were benefits to my diversity of thought, I didn’t always feel others did.

My mother used to say that my father, who had a PhD in organic chemistry, had an “I’m a scientist, you’re a moron” look which he flashed when she used her (much more intellectual) capabilities to explain something.

I know that look.  I often bore witness to it at work.

My world at bp was pretty insular; the people I met were like everyone else I met – and they were mostly terrific, bright, interesting people.  But after a while I’d met everyone I needed to know to get my job done and barely met anyone new.

Compared with now…(finally he gets there).

I was fortunate leaving my job during lockdown, because everyone was forced on to Zoom (or Teams) to make contact with people outside their homes.

You could talk to anyone.

Without an agenda.  Or even an outcome. It didn’t even need to be planned (“Are you free now?”).  No rules or formats.

Just conversations.  Lots of them.  And they were fascinating.  Just listening and learning and sharing and laughing and making connections and comparing and contrasting.

They led to more conversations.  And job offers, proposals, Come-and-join-my-startups, You-should-speak-tos, and Read-this, Go-here, Watch-this.

My mind exploded, my opportunities increased, my self-confidence built.

I became good at doing things I’d always told myself I was bad at: small talk, networking, talking to strangers.

And I even got better at doing them in front of more than one person.  I spoke on podcasts, joined Instagram Lives, participated in other people’s workshops, became a guest speaker at fireside chats.

Three years later I must admit I’ve got busy.  The fruits of all those conversations got me busy.  But now I’ve embarked on this book and building a coaching business around Corporate Escapology, I’m back to it – and I love it.

In the last ten days I’ve met new friends online (hello Charlie, Karin, Jamie, Sarra, David, Ahmad, Bobi – I’ve persuaded them all to sign up!) and had fascinating calls where I’ve helped and been helped, I’ve learnt new things and I’ve felt good when I’ve shared something I know.

Each one is a new node in my network that brings new serendipitous connections, ideas and opportunities.  Unforced and entirely natural, built on genuine curiosity and an authentic desire to help one another.

No need to go to cringeful networking events or pester people on LinkedIn.

And I’m much more open to people who are different from me than I ever was before. Without any need for training, internal events or Yammer posts.

My life feels much richer today because of these connections in my life.  And my confidence is higher than it has ever been because I’ve broken out of the bubble that limited both me and the people around me.

It’s an unexpected benefit of leaving a great company to build something great for myself.

I recommend it.

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